[Movie] Remember 'Jupiter Ascending'?

When I watched the trailer back in 2014, it was literally one the movies that I anticipated to be awesomely epic. Then when it was released on February 2015, I was sorely disappointed.

I really liked sci-fiction story. But this movie was less of a fiction, and more of a something else. And that something else was really bad.

For 2 hours I watched this movie, hoping that at some point somewhere, a scene or something will make complete sense of what I'm watching, but then the movie ended. And I was still struggling to understand what the hell just happened.

I just don't get it, what went wrong with this movie? Its like watching The Room. Except Jupiter Ascending have aliens, space battles, and better CGI, But wouldn't that make this movie actually better than The Room. Well, it does. But still, its doesn't make the movie great though.

So lets recap shall we? Let go down the tortuous memory lane with me, so I wouldn't be alone in this painful nightmare. First, lets start with the premise. It was revealed from the trailer that movie is set in the time of current modern age on planet Earth. Alien came by and plotting something not conducive to humanity well being.

Before I watched the movie, there were several speculations regarding the plot of the movie. Some said it would be an alien invasion sort-of-thing, or long lost human civilization that was booted off from planet Earth long time ago and came back to exact revenge, meanwhile I was leaning toward that the movie could be about the human origin.

Because at that time, there was a scene where a flying lizard person fighting with Channing Tatum. And everyone speculated that movie could be about the reptile species had a fight with humanity crazy long time ago for Earth dominion, and now came back to wrest control of planet Earth.

"Hmmm, sweet, beautiful, planet Earth. All belongs to us" - Humanity

Well, it was a close guess. Turns out, it wasn't really about species war or alien invasion. Nope. Its more than that. In a way, it was quite disappointing, but space battles, you guys! Lets give this movie a chance, I said to myself. It was revealed during the early part of the movie that Earth is part of a 'cultivation' farm sort of thing.

In other word, Earth was seeded by transhuman and aliens for urmm.. farming stuff. Stuff that can make them lives practically forever, unless you shot them asses with laser gun. So who are these people that control the fate of all of Earth? The answer, alien dynasties. That spanned over the galaxy, or galaxies. I have no idea who big their domains though.

But they are here, and they want to harvest planet Earth. And that is bad news. Because they are not harvesting fresh fruits on planet Earth. Oh no, they are not. Though I heard fresh fruits do have anti-oxidant that's good as anti-aging agent. But screw them fresh fruits, they want to harvest humanity. They want, immortality.

"Gib ussss your fruitssss, that isss your life" - Reptilian people

However, there is a catch. The matriarch of the alien dynasty, was dead. Her children, was squabbling over the inheritances. And that includes Earth. But on Earth, there is a person. A woman. Jupiter Jones. Who is genetically identical to the dead matriarch. No idea how, but, wouldn't her children would also be genetically identical to the dead matriarch?

So what does it mean? Is the woman, Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), is one of the dead matriarch's children? Or she is the dead matriarch's reincarnation? Then why Titus, one the son, tried to get married with Jupiter? While Balem, the other son, tried to kill her?

There were a lot, and I mean a lot, of characters introduced into the story. First we have Jupiter Jones living with her aunt's family because she is an orphan. Then we have Balem (Eddie Redmayne), Titus (Douglas Booth), and Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), from the House of Abrasax that represent one of the galactic transhuman dynasties.

Caine Wise (Channing Tatum), a genetically engineered soldier sent by Titus to fetch Jupiter. Helping him, Stinger Apini (Sean Bean), half human half honeybee and a former comrade of Caine. Not helping Caine though, is Ibis (David Ajala), leader of a hunter group originally work with Balem but then work for Kalique. And into the fray, Greeghan (Ariyon Bakare), an agent of Balem. Supporting Caine though, is Captain Diomika Tsing (Nikki Amuka-Bird) from the intergalactic police force called the Aegis.

Police brutality is coming to Earth, galactic-style.

Now, the plot twist almost every time these characters were introduced. Caine was at first, working for Titus. But he doesn't know what Titus was planning, so he was just trying to fetch Jupiter. But then the hunter group led by Ibis fetched her first, but the group originally works for Balem, then changed allegiance when Kalique offered some of them white blocks of "Premium Abrasax", which if consumed, can gives one an everlasting life. Sounds like cocaine to me.

Kalique turns out to be trying to help Jupiter to claim her err.. rightful inheritance, which is Earth. All based on her genetic identity. I completely lost it when the intergalactic police, Aegis, came by to bring Jupiter to the galactic capital planet of Ores to register her claim of the inheritance.

But then Titus is still around, and Stinger reminds Caine that Titus is coming to get her. Which he did. Then Titus told Caine that he is going to marry Jupiter, and kill her afterward and claim her newly claimed inheritance. Well, that didn't last long.

Suffice to say, space battle ensues. How did happened? After a long, long winded, story telling, of convoluted conspiracies, and as big or maybe bigger than the galaxy grand schemes, of all things, that revolves around Jupiter Jones. Caine doesn't like Titus murderous plan, and Jupiter doesn't like Balem harvesting Earth plan. Together, both of them whoop them evil transhumans' asses.

And that's all I remember. Space battles. Oh yeah, and also Jupiter's back on planet Earth in the end, cleaning toilets. I.. don't get it myself. Maybe she really loves cleaning toilet, I guess?

Posted by maybe at 6:51 PM

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Labels: channing tatum, jupiter ascending, mila kunis, Movie, sean bean

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