[Movie] Machete Kills
Even though this movie receives mixed critics, and some even downright negative, it is still entertaining none the less. Probably because the movie was intended to be pure fun house. The story takes place right after the first prequel, Machete. And it was based on the fake trailer included in the film Grindhouse. So what is so fun about this movie?
|Shot in the head!!|
They found a weapon deal that involves corrupt U.S military men and the cartel, which they intend to stop it. But another mysterious party decided to join in and kill everyone and took the weapon (well, except Machete of course). Machete was left with a whole bunch dead bodies including his partner with a hole on her head. The police arrived and simply concluded that it was some sort of gang war, and Machete pretty much gives out the vibe that he is cold-blooded merciless killer. So they decided to hang him for fun- I mean for his crimes.
The corrupt Sheriff Doakes (William Sandler) who arrested Machete, hanged him without trial. In fact, the sheriff just hanged Machete right in his office, probably to cut on the paperwork. But Machete didn't die even though he was hanging and staring right at the sheriff. Just then, Machete receives a call through the sheriff's office phone. The sheriff have no choice but to release Machete from the hanging, because the person on the other side of the phone is none other that the President of the United States, you guys!
|El Presidente de Estados Unidos|
Translations: Fear me motherfucker!!
The reward? Machete would be given a green card. That is right, he would be given a citizenship of the United States. That ought to motivate Machete, yes? Wait, there is more. Just to be on the safe side, Machete is being partnered with another agent, Blanca Vasquez (Amber Heard), an undercover agent of beauty pageant competitor in San Antonio. She would be Machete handler, and would provide info and supports.
|A very, very hi-tech support. A Swiss Army knife of machete.|
Can be used to open a can of beans and human skulls.
|Wait, we are not done yet. There is still hot monkey sex to do, in 3D you guys!|
Oh baby, this could get nasty.
|What?? What the fuck? That's cheating!!|
Anyway, turns out in a brothel, Mendez's daughter is one of the worker. Her name is Cereza (Vanessa Hudgens) and the owner of the brothel is her own mother, Madame Desdemona (Sofia Vergara). Whoa, watch out for a twist there. Machete quickly rescue(?) Cereza from that sweet, sweet horrible place which greatly infuriate Madame Desdemona. There is nothing more dangerous that a spiteful woman, you guys.
Machete managed to track Mendez's base of operations, wait- did I mentioned Mendez is bat-shit crazy guy with split personalities? I did right? So Mendez have his associate, Zaror (Marko Zaror), who were bringing Machete and Cereza back to the base, to send a loving message to welcome his own daughter. So Zaror shot her through her side boob, throws her off from the helicopter, and shoots her some more in mid-air. Crazy right? Well, that was the whole message. I don't know what it means, but tough love I guess.
Then one thing leads to another, Machete is bringing Mendez back to the United States because that crazy guy had attached the missile's launch device to his heart. Killing Mendez will launch the missile, but if not disarmed in 12 hours the missile will launch anyway. The only one that can disarm the launch device is the Voz Tech, one of the U.S largest weapon manufacturer. So he had to turn back and cross the border to bring the launch device back it manufacturer. Long story short, fuck!
Along the way, the whole of Mexico is alerted through the radio broadcast about Marcos Mendez super huge bounty on his head. $10 million dollars, preferably dead without the head attached to the body. Also it was mentioned that Machete Cortez have Mendez with him, so, double whammy. With that announcement, every cartel members, corrupt law officers, nearby assassins who were waiting for the next hit list, pretty much everyone who need the $10 million dollars in Mexico, will be going after Machete and Mendez.
El Chameleon (Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas), a faceless assassin, was around that area and hunts down Machete. Don't forget about the spiteful woman earlier who.. err just got her daughter killed because of Machete. So every one is after Machete's ass, and Machete doesn't who trust or who should he kill for this whole mess. Probably everyone. So what happened next??
|El Presidente Rathcock approved this message.|