Monday, March 24, 2014

[Movie] Machete Kills

Machete is back in Machete Kills. Machete Kills is a 2013 action comedy written and directed by none other than Robert Rodriguez. The movie includes an amazing rows of actors and actresses, because, why the hell not? Danny Trejo returns as Machete, the ex-agent of Mexican Federal Police. Other casts includes Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Tom Savini, Billy Blair, Electra and Elise Avellan, Felix Sabates, and whole bunch of the series newcomers which are Mel Gibson, Demian Bichir, Amber Heard, Sofia Vergara, Lady freaking Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., Vanessa Hudgens, Alexa Vega, William Sadler, Marko Zaror, and not to forget, Charlie motherfucking Sheen as well.

Even though this movie receives mixed critics, and some even downright negative, it is still entertaining none the less. Probably because the movie was intended to be pure fun house. The story takes place right after the first prequel, Machete. And it was based on the fake trailer included in the film Grindhouse. So what is so fun about this movie?

Shot in the head!!
First of all, the story starts with Jessica Alba being shot in the head. In the last film, Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo) and Sartana Rivera (Jessica Alba) managed to kill the bad guy, and they continue with their vigilante jobs ever since.

They found a weapon deal that involves corrupt U.S military men and the cartel, which they intend to stop it. But another mysterious party decided to join in and kill everyone and took the weapon (well, except Machete of course). Machete was left with a whole bunch dead bodies including his partner with a hole on her head. The police arrived and simply concluded that it was some sort of gang war, and Machete pretty much gives out the vibe that he is cold-blooded merciless killer. So they decided to hang him for fun- I mean for his crimes.

The corrupt Sheriff Doakes (William Sandler) who arrested Machete, hanged him without trial. In fact, the sheriff just hanged Machete right in his office, probably to cut on the paperwork. But Machete didn't die even though he was hanging and staring right at the sheriff. Just then, Machete receives a call through the sheriff's office phone. The sheriff have no choice but to release Machete from the hanging, because the person on the other side of the phone is none other that the President of the United States, you guys!

El Presidente de Estados Unidos
Translations: Fear me motherfucker!! 
President Rathcock (Charlie Sheen) wants to recruit Machete for an odd job. The job is to kill a bat-shit crazy psychopath, Marcos Mendez (Demian Bichir) who threatened to launched a nuclear missile to Washington D.C if the United States government refused to intervene and put a stop to the drug cartel and corrupt government of Mexico. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Why didn't he just threatened the Mexican government instead. Well, where is the fun in that, yes? Besides, the guy is REALLY crazy, you guys. He had a split personalities or something, like mental illness.

The reward? Machete would be given a green card. That is right, he would be given a citizenship of the United States. That ought to motivate Machete, yes? Wait, there is more. Just to be on the safe side, Machete is being partnered with another agent, Blanca Vasquez (Amber Heard), an undercover agent of beauty pageant competitor in San Antonio. She would be Machete handler, and would provide info and supports.
A very, very hi-tech support. A Swiss Army knife of machete.
Can be used to open a can of beans and human skulls.
Wait, we are not done yet. There is still hot monkey sex to do, in 3D you guys!
Oh baby, this could get nasty.
What?? What the fuck? That's cheating!!
Ehem, back on the tracks. After that nasty sweet love-making that every special secret agent gets, Blanca send Machete to Acapulco to find a trace that would lead to Mendez. Who's Blanca, you asked? The girl that Machete just- urmm get his new machete from. That one.

Anyway, turns out in a brothel, Mendez's daughter is one of the worker. Her name is Cereza (Vanessa Hudgens) and the owner of the brothel is her own mother, Madame Desdemona (Sofia Vergara). Whoa, watch out for a twist there. Machete quickly rescue(?) Cereza from that sweet, sweet horrible place which greatly infuriate Madame Desdemona. There is nothing more dangerous that a spiteful woman, you guys.

Machete managed to track Mendez's base of operations, wait- did I mentioned Mendez is bat-shit crazy guy with split personalities? I did right? So Mendez have his associate, Zaror (Marko Zaror), who were bringing Machete and Cereza back to the base, to send a loving message to welcome his own daughter. So Zaror shot her through her side boob, throws her off from the helicopter, and shoots her some more in mid-air. Crazy right? Well, that was the whole message. I don't know what it means, but tough love I guess.

Then one thing leads to another, Machete is bringing Mendez back to the United States because that crazy guy had attached the missile's launch device to his heart. Killing Mendez will launch the missile, but if not disarmed in 12 hours the missile will launch anyway. The only one that can disarm the launch device is the Voz Tech, one of the U.S largest weapon manufacturer. So he had to turn back and cross the border to bring the launch device back it manufacturer. Long story short, fuck!

Along the way, the whole of Mexico is alerted through the radio broadcast about Marcos Mendez super huge bounty on his head. $10 million dollars, preferably dead without the head attached to the body. Also it was mentioned that Machete Cortez have Mendez with him, so, double whammy. With that announcement, every cartel members, corrupt law officers, nearby assassins who were waiting for the next hit list, pretty much everyone who need the $10 million dollars in Mexico, will be going after Machete and Mendez.

El Chameleon (Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas), a faceless assassin, was around that area and hunts down Machete. Don't forget about the spiteful woman earlier who.. err just got her daughter killed because of Machete. So every one is after Machete's ass, and Machete doesn't who trust or who should he kill for this whole mess. Probably everyone. So what happened next??

El Presidente Rathcock approved this message.
Thing got more than just a little crazy. There is too much to write, and there would be some more. Some fake trailers is also included in this film, just like the previous film. There would be probably another movie called Machete Kills.. Again and/or Machete Kills Again.. In Space. Who knows. But from the trailer that I saw, I think there was a laser machete and laser blasters. That looks interesting. I would really love to see some laser machete, because I've already seen the spiteful woman Tri-gun. What Tri-gun, you asked?
This one.


Post a Comment

Copyright © 2010 - ; Blissful Life. All Right Reserved.
This site is best viewed with 1024x768 resolution using Chrome